Close but no cigar

 Just wanted to rest in that private perfection… so right… but stalking is real. I’m only human. A normal response to abnormal circumstances. So close to heaven. 

 His lack of propriety and lack of boundaries and how it has translated to my health and wellbeing is unbelievable...i need to take these people to court...seriously criminal...shocked that people like this exist...but it is a fallen world. i should have listened to my instincts. This has been inhumane living conditions...i've basically been working full-time. i suppose these are symptoms of the disease at least in part...a really unhealthy person. his impropriety and lack of boundaries has translated to eccentric and odd behavior on my part---disregarding my own limitations and leading to self harm...the importance of surrounding yourself with healthy people who support your growth. 

Poverty

Continue to really just be astounded by the levels of poverty of the mind and heart and spirit I've been surrounded by... the absolute ignorance; stupidity; and moral depravity...is this real life? I've absolutely astounded and want to cry and scream and vomit. Gross. just gross. The fact that my beautiful; talented; compassionate; warm; kind; loving; humorous self has been surrounded by and subjected to such grossness for this long...blows my mind. 

The problem of addiction...addiction is the absence of connection...eating which had been a struggle for me; even an addiction; as well as a form of rebellion...and then i actually was quite motivated to fast...bc i found authentic and loving and safe connection in the form of my soulmate, Tom...which was impeded by the stupidity and ignorance and unfed needs of my schizophrenic neighbor...So thankful for the resources I have found to help me untangle from the issues of EIP's and return to my true self and health. Really shocked at all that has happened...the effects on my health...this has been quite alarming and I'm very concerned. I deserve so much better. People who are so ignorant, they can't even see past themselves or their own needs and take constructive criticism and desire to be better. The fact that I've been surrounded by so much poverty and stupidity and ignorance for this long...my poor self...my poor heart; mind and spirit and body...i'm not a machine...i'm a garden...i require tending and watering by like-minded souls. Time to move. 

And we see the effects of dysfunction within toxic systems and families and how it travels...scapegoating and black sheep psychology...my basic human freedoms and boundaries violated...then attempting to go about my day and having it interrupted in an inappropriate way by my neighbor---who's business it was not anyway...and then being shamed and judged for eating...which is no one's business anyway...and often a response to unhealthy situations and toxic people and factors. Just utterly amazed at all of the ignorance and stupidity. And the fact that I have been losing myself in it all...was beginning to lose myself. Wow. How my health has been impacted. This is scary. 

I think the topic of shame is always worth discussing...it's various meanings and forms...the way it is healthy in the sense of having a sense of shame- knowing our human limits...not acting as if we are superhuman- as if we are not subject to a Creator...yet then shame can also be the tool of tyrants to subjugate people; to gain power...can also be something corrosive, not from God...something that finds fault with the core of who someone is- which is not how God created us to be. 

I guess I understand it now...the power of toxic shame...being shamed by people who i do not know...who were overstepping bounds and acting inappropriately- the whole premise of the situation being absurd and based on the sin of perpetrators...it's time like those that you need to take a step back; look at everything and realize- you don't care what these people think. 

No means no

 https://www.bannerhealth.com/healthcareblog/teach-me/enmeshment-what-to-do-when-boundaries-are-blurry-in-a-relationship

Take back your life! You know what feels good for you...you know the difference between love and need...it's not your job to be someone's caregiver...esp. when they are not able to give what you can. If you're around unhealthy people and get triggered...esp. if you've experienced these things before...if they are in your family of origin and you've done a lot of work on yourself...don't let yourself get dragged down by someone who has not and can't operate on your level...Babysitting is not a romantic relationship...you are not responsible for anyone but yourself...if they can't accept rejection with grace or attacking you...if they can't respect a "no"...it's just further validation that they aren't right for you...no means no. parenting is not a romantic relationship. it's easy to forget who you are around emotionally immature and manipulative people...don't get sucked into their drama. It's not who you are. 

Adult angst

Just really tired of feeling misunderstood and judged and mistreated. 

I have needs too. Starving for genuine and meaningful human connection. 

Simplifying a situation with many layers of hurt, making me out to be the bad guy. Demonizing me for eating which became an unhealthy coping mechanism and calling me “6” with someone who was really controlling and inappropriate about my body. 

Also REALLY tired of people commenting on my appearance when I’ve been quite ill and self destructive. People are so ignorant and stupid. I only looked at myself bc I was all I had… surrounded by hate and evil and ignorance. 

Behavior is almost always an indicator of an unmet need. 

The Widow of Stockton st.

Why boundaries are important. Why self care is important. Why appropriate; safe; private living situations are important. Having lost myself in numbing and escaping from emotionally difficult situations…self- regulation… separating your emotions from those of others… really hard when you’re an empath and it’s someone who lives near you and you care about. But you have to be the adult… esp. around emotionally immature people with poor self-regulation skills.

The problem of pain….surrounded by it…recent events only serve to reinforce my belief in self care and boundaries….connected with a friend, from another time…felt that God was orchestrating events in the most natural and fateful way possible…something far beyond my own efforts and limitations…i felt safe and held and alive for maybe the first time (at least in this way)...i spoke his name and felt the way that love always seems in the most dignified sense when you read about it and see it on film…immediately, a cry of anguish echoed from the flat next door…i jolted in shock…to feel my privacy so intruded upon…that simply living my life was causing someone else pain…i woke up to be still in the morning, thinking about the person i love…i saw my neighbor pass by on the right, driving by, a woman seated next to him…caught unawares- i felt deeply the whole situation…you have to choose… you can’t split yourself between loves…the whole incident caused me to feel as if i had done something grievously wrong…who enjoys causing someone else pain? I should have kept my eyes on God and on Tom, but i just felt sad…i poured myself some wine and laid a feast…a temporary fix for the mix of emotions i suppose…what ensued was a series of self harming behaviors…which eating has become for me… to feel like i deserve to be happy and to be taken care of….i was so close to it- the magical weaving of soul and fate…but what happened made me feel as if i had done something wrong…my mental state worsened, followed by a more hostile environment…so saddened by it all…and clearly i just needed to hold my course- not take on the feelings of others…a deeply sick and emotionally pained environment…and clearly i needed to be the strong leader all along…there is so space for the strong leader to have a breakdown and need help and need empathy and support…the fact that I’ve had to deal with all of this in the place where I live and pay rent is beyond me…the whole premise of it all, absolutely absurd…my privacy and human freedoms so violated…i’ve never felt so disgusted in my entire life…my self sabotage did nothing to help the situation…it did not take away my neighbor’s pain…it only took me away from my own life and the people who need me. 

I think the whole thing is also so representative of the dangers of being an empath…we pick up the emotional and spiritual energy of other people and spaces and environments…and come to find out this man had self harming behaviors in his past…a troubled soul…the soul picks up on the beats of other souls…i literally took on his pain. 

Stepping outside of God’s will to deal with pain…it leads to ruin. 

Getting those feels of waitressing at Finnegan's Wake in downtown Winston after my first year at NCSU...the stripper sleeping with one of the owners who started acting catty when he showed interest in me...the fat Jewish cook who kept making come ons and wouldn't leave me alone...Opi, the unabashedly Irish owner shouting "she's not going to sleep with you!"...the lesbian bartender who eventually fired me for no apparent reason...Thomas Moore waiting tables nextdoor at 6th and Vine...

Equilibrio- An Introspective look

Balance. Equilibrio. Something that has defined my life- the lack of and constant search for balance.

 It seems to me that my constant struggle has been between excess or lack.

Thinking too much or not thinking at all. Being selfish or sacrificing too much. Exercising too hard or not enough. Eating too little or too much. Wanting too much or not demanding enough. Crossing the line or not standing up for myself. Having too much fun or not enough. A battle of extremes has defined much of my existence.

 But where is that proverbial line in the sand? And once found; how do we keep it?

 Some of us do yoga to achieve that om. Some of us read self-help books. Some of us go to Spain to teach English.

It’s not something you can learn in an afternoon, a week, a month or even a year. And funny how the same things that you struggled with in North Carolina resurface in SpainJ 

 In many ways, the Spanish culture has helped me greatly in regards to balance. The “little by little” mentality has allowed me to love myself where I am. With a little help from my friend Alex, I have begun to learn that one mistake doesn’t define me. That we have good days and bad days, and seasons or “temporadas” of life.

 For me, after arriving in Galicia, alone and scared, I focused on exercise, something that had always come naturally to me and that I could quantifiably control. But I crossed the line from doing something good for myself on a regular basis, to using exercise as a measure of my worth. “Oh, I need to do more than I did yesterday or I’m a sloth.” “My body might be tired, but I’ll be happy in the end once I’ve burned all those calories.” I actually thought that if I didn’t run as much as I did in college and stay in tip top shape, I was a failure. But as I see it now, the body is a pretty amazing thing, capable of taking you on runs through new places and discovering beautiful things for your eyes to see. An amazing tool. You take care of it, and it will bless you tenfold. As for me, I would rather exercise for enjoyment and health, and enjoy all the delicious food there is, than be a slave to something.

 Because the problem friends, is that once you allow obsession to take over one area of your life, you seem to lose your joy, and lack in other areas of your life. For me, when I do things with joy instead of force or obligation, the rest seems to fall into place.

 As Americans, and especially this American, we think too much. If there’s one thing the Spaniards have mastered, it is the art of living in the moment and being content where you are. Not once will you see a Spaniard lost in thought while in a group- they are constantly participating, constantly expressing, constantly living. And honestly, isn’t overthinking a selfish handicap? A way to put the attention on yourself when you’re afraid of living in the moment?

 The same goes with relationships. And let me tell you- you think relationships are difficult, but imagine them when you’re dealing with a different set of cultural values and a different language. The difference between the two sexes becomes an ocean of misunderstanding and unintentional hurt.

I am now dealing with the loss of my best friend here. We are in a state of false friendship, where we are “friends” but all of our interactions are false and forced. For from my enthnocentric perspective, the Spanish way of dealing with misunderstandings or hardships is to smile and act as if nothing has happened. Even as everything has changed. And for all of those who know me, I am incapable of hiding my true emotions. But what can you do? As I have learned, sometimes no measure of explaining can bridge the gap or change the mind of someone who has made their mind up. Words can be futile devices, especially when ethnocentrism plays a part.

 But sometimes you just have to accept the way things are and that as much as you yearn for things to be different; like they were before- it’s not in your control. So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and open yourself up for all the good things to come.

And perhaps treat yourself to a new bikini, some new rollerblades, or just Disney Princess bubbles. Obviously turning 24 doesn’t change a thing… Thank goodness.J   

Ick sprecka ze English?

Hallo!! No, I didn't just spell "hello" wrong- that's how the Germans say it:) Ya ya!

I just got back from an amazing 6-day trip to Germany with my friend Courtney, another Auxiliar de Conversacion living in a town close to mine. We didn't technically have time off, but we found an amazing deal on tickets to Frankfurt through Ryanair, so we decided to "aprovechar" or take advantage of the situation.:)

It took just stepping off the plane to notice that Germany is worlds apart from Spain in culture, food, people, philosophy, mentality... basically everything! In fact, I saw a lot more similarity with the U.S. in Germany.

1. Everything works! While in Spain, technology is a decade or so behind on most things and social ties are far more important than efficiency; Germany is one of the world leaders in this area. Metros are clean and on time, bus drivers don't stop the bus to chat with a friend or run personal errands (cough cough Spain:)... in short, it was lovely!

2. Germans are much more quiet and private than the Spanish. When I first arrived in Boiro, I was amazed at how people of all ages are perfectly content to yell to one another in the street, talk loudly on buses and in stores... what would be considered rude in the U.S. is perfectly acceptable and encouraged in Spain! In fact, people often tell me to speak louder haha. Germany was much more comparable to the U.S. in this aspect- people spoke quietly, were quiet on public transport and perhaps from my experience in Galicia, I felt like the loud one!

3. Food. I have to say, American might be the leader in obesity, but the Germans might be next with their diet and portions. I'm not complaining, it was amazing! In Spain, people eat fairly small portions and "picar" or snack throughout the day. An altogether healthy eating style. Also, in the culture of "disfrutar", enjoying, everyone sits down to eat as it is a pleasurable social event. I have never seen anyone eating on the go, except for perhaps an apple or a kid with a sweet. In most aspects, I have liked this... it has taught me to enjoy my food and be more mindful of how much I'm eating. But sometimes, you just want to eat a sandwich or a pastry on  a park bench! Courtney and I took advantage of this social norm in Germany. Grabbing a truffle and cappucino to go, eating a sandwich outside a cafe, it was wonderful!:)

Germany part 1, more to come soon:)

Un beso,
CMC

And I'm back in the game!

Yes friends, I'm still alive... After flying home for Christmas and flying back to Spain, I'm happy to say that I'm happy to be back.

Looking out my window at the beautiful blue sky, I'm counting several blessings:
1. It has rained only once since I've gotten back! Truly a miracle for Galicia. I've been lucky to come back to blue skies and 10-15 degree weather (Celsius of course. That's 50-59 degree weather for all you Americans out there:)
2. The wonderful people I work with. It's so nice to come back to a relaxed atmosphere where the other teachers are fun and genuinely interested in my wellbeing! It's kind of crazy how much of a difference there is between the mentality here and in the U.S. I instantly feel uptight when I'm around the other teachers, yet have quickly started to adapt the que seras attitude... because after all folks; whatever will be, will be.:)
3. The children at Abanqueiro school. True, a cloud of elementary girls surrounding you every time you walk through the door can be a bit draining, but I'm thankful to have that problem. Gift count for the last two weeks: 5 clovers, 1 callalily, 1 picture of a cougar, and the list just seems to keep on growing. God just keeps the blessings coming!
4. A sense of belonging. Despite my rough start in Boiro, and the rickety path following... I've returned with a sense of peace and contentment about living here. I feel less like the solitary English-speaker in Boiro, and more like the local English teacher. I feel more confident in my teaching role and am getting to actually enjoy being here. Sometimes you just have to shake yourself and say "hey! quit worrying and being a wuss- you're in SPAIN for crying out loud! Disfrutalo (Enjoy it)!" That perfect cafe con leche and pastry from Confiteria Sonia, runs through the Galician countryside with new friends, walking down by the beach with Alex- God is loving me in new ways every day.

And I'm trying to love my students in new ways too! I've noticed a lack of emphasis on creativity in Abanqueiro, so i'm trying to introduce that with the activities I plan. I think working the creative muscle is just as important as teaching the kids English. Mom gave me a cool book about making shapes out of salt dough, so I thought I'd aprovechar (Spanish verb meaning "to take advantage of an opportunity." I've probably heard this word about as much as "hola" here. The Spanish love to aprovechar.:) In third grade, we made different foods out of dough. The kids just get so excited about simple things, and I think they were ecstatic to do something different. One kid named Dani made a churro, but hey at least he was working that creative muscle.

Well, I'm all talked out, but more to come soon! Muchos besos y abrazos de Espana:) Vaya con Dios.

Out with the Old and In with the New!

Hello friends and family!

It's been a while since I've posted, so i'll try to bring you up to speed on everything without being too long-winded...
I'm am sitting cozily in my new apartment on a saturday afternoon writing this- Yes, i've changed apartments! After a not-so-ideal situation living with Marisela, a 30-year-old teacher at the school (Let's just say that we didn't quite see eye to eye on most things); I found a lovely single apartment close to the mountains. Although a little apprehensive about living alone (and also quite excited I might add), I felt  good about it after meeting the lovely landlady, Rita. Unlike most of the apartments I've seen, this one is decorated with classic taste, in lively colors and with beautiful paintings of flowers hanging all about. There's a window that leads onto a patio from the kitchen, and I don't think i could have found a space more suited to me. Finally, I feel free to dance around, paint, blast Hall & Oates and laze about in my pajamas as long as I please! It truly is a gift from God.

Let's see, let's see- since we've last spoken, Halloween has come and gone. And what a crazy time at the school it was! During Halloween week, I finally got those teaching responsibilities i had been craving so badly. I was responsible for coming up with activities for 1-6 grade in addition to the ones Fran had planned. We ended up learning the Monster Mash, a dancing bones song, a pumpkin poem, and that lovely trick-or-treat, smell my feet poem. By the end of the week, I thought I would scream if I had to do Monster Mash again (turns out, it's kind of a boring dance), and I had stopped holding back giggles at the kids pronouncing "Esmell emy efeeeet." Also, a cautionary tale- if you ever go to a Spanish elementary school on halloween, do not be alarmed when you see children with fake blood spurting out of their mouths, vampire masks so grotesque you will have recurring nightmares about them, and decorated pumpkins that have fake vomit spilling out of them because they are "emborrachada" aka "drunk." All of these things are quite acceptable and normal. Turns out my cute pumpkin costume was the odd one out.

El Camino

Things are picking up with school here- I'm finally beginning to get a feel for Spanish public education and getting to know my students. I must say, the first week or so, I felt completely out of place. Going from teacher social time to class with the two english teachers, Fran and Maria Jose, I was exhausted by the end. One day, I almost burst into tears when I didn't understand one of the activities Maria Jose wanted me to do with the kids. I felt like if I heard one more word in Spanish I would simultaneously throw something across the room and punch the wall.

But as I sit here, drinking my Estrella Galicia Artesana (a better version of the most popular beer in Galica). I can't help thinking how much I have to be thankful for...

For one thing, I am actually seeing a difference with the kids and beginning to build relationships. I am past operating at survival mode and actually settling into my role as English teacher. The children could not be more sweet, or smart! Some classes are harder than others, just like in the U.S. And sometimes I do get frustrated with the teaching styles. For instance, Spain has recently begun to merge Exceptional children (i.e. children with learning disabilities) with non-disabled children in the classroom. Apparently, most of the teachers are in favor of this, and I am as well. I think it's important for children with difficulties to not feel any more different than they already do, and to become socially aware. But this comes with its share of issues. We have one boy named Alex in a wheelchair, who is in 5th grade., Who knows how old he is. He is a sweet boy, always with a smile, and while he can't say much, he is trying so hard- always making noises as if he is trying to participate. But it breaks my heart to think that he will probably repeat this class Lord know how many times. A few other kids have learning difficulties, and Fran has made sure to tell me repeatedly, which i find freaking annoying to be honest. Reiterating the fact that things are harder for them does not make things better. They need to be treated as any other student, with some discrete supplementary help. I try really hard to give these kids extra attention without calling the attention of the other students to this. One boy, Borja, is the most adorable boy you could ever meet. He has long brown hair and the cutest round face. Every time he sees me, he says "Ello Teacher." He tried to hold my hand during a game today, but one of the girls pushed him away (I couldn't say that I would rather hold Borja's hand haha).

Also, Maria Jose had taken me under her wing. She is always asking how I'm doing and told me today that if I need anything, I can call her and she'll at my apartment in 5 minutes. You just don't find many people so willing to drop what they're doing to help you! She spent 45 minutes showing me all the different parts of Galicia and Spain, and telling me all the good places to go. She also plans to have me over for dinner and to take a long walk with her family on a famous mountain. I cannot wait! She has two boys- her oldest, Sergio, is in my 6th grade class and gets teased for having Justin Bieber hair. These people are the salt of the earth.

And my last big announcement- I have connected with some awesome auxiliars. As much as I love Spanish language and culture, some days I would kill for a Poptart and some friends who speak English.... prayer answered! At the program orientation last week, I met up with another English teacher in Boiro, an Irish girl named Ashleigh. She is bubbly and talkative and looks just like Emma Stone. I am not kidding- and I have always wanted to be friends with Emma Stone! Anyways, we met up with another Irish girl named Nicole, Sean from Seattle, Sarah from, get this, Raleigh, Matt and Rachel from the UK...and I think that's all the important ones. We ended up going to Santiago this past weekend and exploring together, and it was just what the doctor ordered! But I will tell you more about that later, I'm off to have a cervecita with the other profes. Talk to you soon!

My first day and other things

Well friends, a week in and I´m happy to say that I´m getting used to the Spanish way of life. Still getting weird looks everywhere I go, but I think I´m getting used to it:) Marisela, my roommate and a Kindergarten teacher at my school is very nice and hospitable. I went in to my elementary school (CEIP de Abanqueiro) last wednesday to meet some of the teachers and I had my first official day today! The school has about 40 students and 17 teachers, and they are all precious. From the get-go the other teachers asked me how i was settling in, offering to take me places and show me around Boiro, etc. I´m still trying to keep everyone´s names straight, but there´s Justo, the gym teacher who was excited to tell me how he´s been to San Francisco and Las Vegas, and was drinking coffee out of a Star Wars mug (this is how I will always remember him), Paula, the kindest music teacher you could ever meet (I think we are going to see some Gallego music and dancing this weekend), Veronica, the pre-k teacher who is so funny and awesome and helped me figure out my phone situation (there are 4 companies and the pay as you go deals are quite confusing, even when I understood them in English), Sonia, the voice teacher who is a professional ¨cantante¨(singer) and literally has one of the prettiest voices I have ever heard. Then there is the kind, older 4th grade teacher who reminds me of a cross between Gandalf and Sean Connery- He picked me up as I was walking to class today, and while my spanish is still quite rusty, I managed to carry on a very choppy conversation with him.

The students have all been very excited to have an American teacher, and very shy at first. They are all incredibly sweet, and although it might be the novelty of a new country speaking, I´m pretty sure American kids are not this nice. A girl named Patricia (pronouced Pa-tree-see-a) even gave me a butterfly sillyband today! I was quite honored. Good thing I brought Dora the explorer sillybandz with me:)

I´m still taking everything in, seeing how Fran the English teacher does things, and getting to know the students, and then I´ll begin planning activities. I´ve talked to Fran about doing a presentation on North Carolina, but my ultimate goal is to teach dance classes for the children. I´d like to do a DancePlay class for the younger ones, like I taught in Raleigh, focusing on creativity and body awareness and a more classical dance class with the older children (although older boys would probably rather attend a 3 hour english class than go to this:) I´m also looking for a dance studio in Boiro- I miss it so much! Until then, I´ll continue to do ballet and modern in my living room to Shakira and Ben Folds.

Last night, after running into Veronica and her little son at the Beach, doing some drawings, and getting lost for an hour, I decided to treat myself to a rare meal out. I went to a local cafe Nao and asked for a typical Galician meal. I was served Langostinos (which technically means little crab butwas more like shrimp), salad of iceberg lettuce and tomatoes (iceberg is big here), bread, guacamole and a glass of Galician red wine- Mencia. It was all very good, but I have to say the bread was my favorite part. As far as the weather goes, Boiro has been surprisingly hot. I come prepared for rain 80% of the time and fall weather, and it´s been completely sunny and in the 80´s. Hey, I´m not complaining. Just an excuse to buy some cute spanish clothes and espadrilles (for any males reading this, those are platformed shoes that usually have a hemp bottom and maaterial to wrap around the ankle)!

So much to say, but I´ll stop there for now. Abrazos amigos!

Where to begin....

Hola amigos! Greetings from Boiro, A Coruna, Galicia, Spain!

One of my first lessons of the geography of Spain- spain is divided into regions, provinces and cities, close to but different than the states. As a kind gentleman described it to me, I now live in Borio the town, which belongs to the province of A Coruna, which is part of the region of Galicia.

But enough of that. I'm writing this post from a cafe called Tres catorce (3-14) in Boiro. I came here to explore the town, order a much-desired cafe con leche (coffee with milk, but don't let the simple name fool you- the Spanish espresso and milk are much more delicious than anything you could find at starbucks). I also just experienced my first "swindler" for lack of a better word. While I was dining outside, a young Spaniard of about 15 years, came up asking me for money for something to drink. Keep in mind, he was dressed quite well, in new tennis shoes, jeans, jacket, hat and even a silver necklace. He was good too: "Guapa, tu es muy hermosa, tus ojos son preciosos, tus labios son preciosos, tienes un novio? Es mala suerte para mi." For all you non spanish speakers, this is typical spanish boy trying to get something- "Beautiful, you are so pretty, your eyes are beautiful, your lips are beautiful. Do you have a boyfriend? Yes? Ah, it is bad luck for me." All of this obviously is ridiculous and a little embarrassing, so i sat there giggling, which made him think he had me, and then i thought about getting him a water. Thank goodness the waiter saw what was going on and told him to go away. First lesson- don't be nice to spanish males under the age of 50. True story.

As for Boiro, it is the perfect temperature right now. Set by the mountains but on the coast, there is equal beauty from the beach and the hills. I went running yesterday and was struck by the mist over the mountains and the beauty of the cornfields. My apartment is close to the beach, But that is enough for now, i'm going to explore. Chau, chau!