Poverty

Continue to really just be astounded by the levels of poverty of the mind and heart and spirit I've been surrounded by... the absolute ignorance; stupidity; and moral depravity...is this real life? I've absolutely astounded and want to cry and scream and vomit. Gross. just gross. The fact that my beautiful; talented; compassionate; warm; kind; loving; humorous self has been surrounded by and subjected to such grossness for this long...blows my mind. 

The problem of addiction...addiction is the absence of connection...eating which had been a struggle for me; even an addiction; as well as a form of rebellion...and then i actually was quite motivated to fast...bc i found authentic and loving and safe connection in the form of my soulmate, Tom...which was impeded by the stupidity and ignorance and unfed needs of my schizophrenic neighbor...So thankful for the resources I have found to help me untangle from the issues of EIP's and return to my true self and health. Really shocked at all that has happened...the effects on my health...this has been quite alarming and I'm very concerned. I deserve so much better. People who are so ignorant, they can't even see past themselves or their own needs and take constructive criticism and desire to be better. The fact that I've been surrounded by so much poverty and stupidity and ignorance for this long...my poor self...my poor heart; mind and spirit and body...i'm not a machine...i'm a garden...i require tending and watering by like-minded souls. Time to move. 

And we see the effects of dysfunction within toxic systems and families and how it travels...scapegoating and black sheep psychology...my basic human freedoms and boundaries violated...then attempting to go about my day and having it interrupted in an inappropriate way by my neighbor---who's business it was not anyway...and then being shamed and judged for eating...which is no one's business anyway...and often a response to unhealthy situations and toxic people and factors. Just utterly amazed at all of the ignorance and stupidity. And the fact that I have been losing myself in it all...was beginning to lose myself. Wow. How my health has been impacted. This is scary. 

I think the topic of shame is always worth discussing...it's various meanings and forms...the way it is healthy in the sense of having a sense of shame- knowing our human limits...not acting as if we are superhuman- as if we are not subject to a Creator...yet then shame can also be the tool of tyrants to subjugate people; to gain power...can also be something corrosive, not from God...something that finds fault with the core of who someone is- which is not how God created us to be. 

I guess I understand it now...the power of toxic shame...being shamed by people who i do not know...who were overstepping bounds and acting inappropriately- the whole premise of the situation being absurd and based on the sin of perpetrators...it's time like those that you need to take a step back; look at everything and realize- you don't care what these people think.