Why boundaries are important. Why self care is important. Why appropriate; safe; private living situations are important. Having lost myself in numbing and escaping from emotionally difficult situations…self- regulation… separating your emotions from those of others… really hard when you’re an empath and it’s someone who lives near you and you care about. But you have to be the adult… esp. around emotionally immature people with poor self-regulation skills.
The problem of pain….surrounded by it…recent events only serve to reinforce my belief in self care and boundaries….connected with a friend, from another time…felt that God was orchestrating events in the most natural and fateful way possible…something far beyond my own efforts and limitations…i felt safe and held and alive for maybe the first time (at least in this way)...i spoke his name and felt the way that love always seems in the most dignified sense when you read about it and see it on film…immediately, a cry of anguish echoed from the flat next door…i jolted in shock…to feel my privacy so intruded upon…that simply living my life was causing someone else pain…i woke up to be still in the morning, thinking about the person i love…i saw my neighbor pass by on the right, driving by, a woman seated next to him…caught unawares- i felt deeply the whole situation…you have to choose… you can’t split yourself between loves…the whole incident caused me to feel as if i had done something grievously wrong…who enjoys causing someone else pain? I should have kept my eyes on God and on Tom, but i just felt sad…i poured myself some wine and laid a feast…a temporary fix for the mix of emotions i suppose…what ensued was a series of self harming behaviors…which eating has become for me… to feel like i deserve to be happy and to be taken care of….i was so close to it- the magical weaving of soul and fate…but what happened made me feel as if i had done something wrong…my mental state worsened, followed by a more hostile environment…so saddened by it all…and clearly i just needed to hold my course- not take on the feelings of others…a deeply sick and emotionally pained environment…and clearly i needed to be the strong leader all along…there is so space for the strong leader to have a breakdown and need help and need empathy and support…the fact that I’ve had to deal with all of this in the place where I live and pay rent is beyond me…the whole premise of it all, absolutely absurd…my privacy and human freedoms so violated…i’ve never felt so disgusted in my entire life…my self sabotage did nothing to help the situation…it did not take away my neighbor’s pain…it only took me away from my own life and the people who need me.
I think the whole thing is also so representative of the dangers of being an empath…we pick up the emotional and spiritual energy of other people and spaces and environments…and come to find out this man had self harming behaviors in his past…a troubled soul…the soul picks up on the beats of other souls…i literally took on his pain.
Stepping outside of God’s will to deal with pain…it leads to ruin.
Getting those feels of waitressing at Finnegan's Wake in downtown Winston after my first year at NCSU...the stripper sleeping with one of the owners who started acting catty when he showed interest in me...the fat Jewish cook who kept making come ons and wouldn't leave me alone...Opi, the unabashedly Irish owner shouting "she's not going to sleep with you!"...the lesbian bartender who eventually fired me for no apparent reason...Thomas Moore waiting tables nextdoor at 6th and Vine...
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