His lack of propriety and lack of boundaries and how it has translated to my health and wellbeing is unbelievable...i need to take these people to court...seriously criminal...shocked that people like this exist...but it is a fallen world. i should have listened to my instincts. This has been inhumane living conditions...i've basically been working full-time. i suppose these are symptoms of the disease at least in part...a really unhealthy person. his impropriety and lack of boundaries has translated to eccentric and odd behavior on my part---disregarding my own limitations and leading to self harm...the importance of surrounding yourself with healthy people who support your growth. 

Poverty

Continue to really just be astounded by the levels of poverty of the mind and heart and spirit I've been surrounded by... the absolute ignorance; stupidity; and moral depravity...is this real life? I've absolutely astounded and want to cry and scream and vomit. Gross. just gross. The fact that my beautiful; talented; compassionate; warm; kind; loving; humorous self has been surrounded by and subjected to such grossness for this long...blows my mind. 

The problem of addiction...addiction is the absence of connection...eating which had been a struggle for me; even an addiction; as well as a form of rebellion...and then i actually was quite motivated to fast...bc i found authentic and loving and safe connection in the form of my soulmate, Tom...which was impeded by the stupidity and ignorance and unfed needs of my schizophrenic neighbor...So thankful for the resources I have found to help me untangle from the issues of EIP's and return to my true self and health. Really shocked at all that has happened...the effects on my health...this has been quite alarming and I'm very concerned. I deserve so much better. People who are so ignorant, they can't even see past themselves or their own needs and take constructive criticism and desire to be better. The fact that I've been surrounded by so much poverty and stupidity and ignorance for this long...my poor self...my poor heart; mind and spirit and body...i'm not a machine...i'm a garden...i require tending and watering by like-minded souls. Time to move. 

And we see the effects of dysfunction within toxic systems and families and how it travels...scapegoating and black sheep psychology...my basic human freedoms and boundaries violated...then attempting to go about my day and having it interrupted in an inappropriate way by my neighbor---who's business it was not anyway...and then being shamed and judged for eating...which is no one's business anyway...and often a response to unhealthy situations and toxic people and factors. Just utterly amazed at all of the ignorance and stupidity. And the fact that I have been losing myself in it all...was beginning to lose myself. Wow. How my health has been impacted. This is scary. 

I think the topic of shame is always worth discussing...it's various meanings and forms...the way it is healthy in the sense of having a sense of shame- knowing our human limits...not acting as if we are superhuman- as if we are not subject to a Creator...yet then shame can also be the tool of tyrants to subjugate people; to gain power...can also be something corrosive, not from God...something that finds fault with the core of who someone is- which is not how God created us to be. 

I guess I understand it now...the power of toxic shame...being shamed by people who i do not know...who were overstepping bounds and acting inappropriately- the whole premise of the situation being absurd and based on the sin of perpetrators...it's time like those that you need to take a step back; look at everything and realize- you don't care what these people think. 

No means no

 https://www.bannerhealth.com/healthcareblog/teach-me/enmeshment-what-to-do-when-boundaries-are-blurry-in-a-relationship

Take back your life! You know what feels good for you...you know the difference between love and need...it's not your job to be someone's caregiver...esp. when they are not able to give what you can. If you're around unhealthy people and get triggered...esp. if you've experienced these things before...if they are in your family of origin and you've done a lot of work on yourself...don't let yourself get dragged down by someone who has not and can't operate on your level...Babysitting is not a romantic relationship...you are not responsible for anyone but yourself...if they can't accept rejection with grace or attacking you...if they can't respect a "no"...it's just further validation that they aren't right for you...no means no. parenting is not a romantic relationship. it's easy to forget who you are around emotionally immature and manipulative people...don't get sucked into their drama. It's not who you are. 

Adult angst

Just really tired of feeling misunderstood and judged and mistreated. 

I have needs too. Starving for genuine and meaningful human connection. 

Simplifying a situation with many layers of hurt, making me out to be the bad guy. Demonizing me for eating which became an unhealthy coping mechanism and calling me “6” with someone who was really controlling and inappropriate about my body. 

Also REALLY tired of people commenting on my appearance when I’ve been quite ill and self destructive. People are so ignorant and stupid. I only looked at myself bc I was all I had… surrounded by hate and evil and ignorance. 

Behavior is almost always an indicator of an unmet need. 

The Widow of Stockton st.

Why boundaries are important. Why self care is important. Why appropriate; safe; private living situations are important. Having lost myself in numbing and escaping from emotionally difficult situations…self- regulation… separating your emotions from those of others… really hard when you’re an empath and it’s someone who lives near you and you care about. But you have to be the adult… esp. around emotionally immature people with poor self-regulation skills.

The problem of pain….surrounded by it…recent events only serve to reinforce my belief in self care and boundaries….connected with a friend, from another time…felt that God was orchestrating events in the most natural and fateful way possible…something far beyond my own efforts and limitations…i felt safe and held and alive for maybe the first time (at least in this way)...i spoke his name and felt the way that love always seems in the most dignified sense when you read about it and see it on film…immediately, a cry of anguish echoed from the flat next door…i jolted in shock…to feel my privacy so intruded upon…that simply living my life was causing someone else pain…i woke up to be still in the morning, thinking about the person i love…i saw my neighbor pass by on the right, driving by, a woman seated next to him…caught unawares- i felt deeply the whole situation…you have to choose… you can’t split yourself between loves…the whole incident caused me to feel as if i had done something grievously wrong…who enjoys causing someone else pain? I should have kept my eyes on God and on Tom, but i just felt sad…i poured myself some wine and laid a feast…a temporary fix for the mix of emotions i suppose…what ensued was a series of self harming behaviors…which eating has become for me… to feel like i deserve to be happy and to be taken care of….i was so close to it- the magical weaving of soul and fate…but what happened made me feel as if i had done something wrong…my mental state worsened, followed by a more hostile environment…so saddened by it all…and clearly i just needed to hold my course- not take on the feelings of others…a deeply sick and emotionally pained environment…and clearly i needed to be the strong leader all along…there is so space for the strong leader to have a breakdown and need help and need empathy and support…the fact that I’ve had to deal with all of this in the place where I live and pay rent is beyond me…the whole premise of it all, absolutely absurd…my privacy and human freedoms so violated…i’ve never felt so disgusted in my entire life…my self sabotage did nothing to help the situation…it did not take away my neighbor’s pain…it only took me away from my own life and the people who need me. 

I think the whole thing is also so representative of the dangers of being an empath…we pick up the emotional and spiritual energy of other people and spaces and environments…and come to find out this man had self harming behaviors in his past…a troubled soul…the soul picks up on the beats of other souls…i literally took on his pain. 

Stepping outside of God’s will to deal with pain…it leads to ruin. 

Getting those feels of waitressing at Finnegan's Wake in downtown Winston after my first year at NCSU...the stripper sleeping with one of the owners who started acting catty when he showed interest in me...the fat Jewish cook who kept making come ons and wouldn't leave me alone...Opi, the unabashedly Irish owner shouting "she's not going to sleep with you!"...the lesbian bartender who eventually fired me for no apparent reason...Thomas Moore waiting tables nextdoor at 6th and Vine...