His lack of propriety and lack of boundaries and how it has translated to my health and wellbeing is unbelievable...i need to take these people to court...seriously criminal...shocked that people like this exist...but it is a fallen world. i should have listened to my instincts. This has been inhumane living conditions...i've basically been working full-time. i suppose these are symptoms of the disease at least in part...a really unhealthy person. his impropriety and lack of boundaries has translated to eccentric and odd behavior on my part---disregarding my own limitations and leading to self harm...the importance of surrounding yourself with healthy people who support your growth. 

Poverty

Continue to really just be astounded by the levels of poverty of the mind and heart and spirit I've been surrounded by... the absolute ignorance; stupidity; and moral depravity...is this real life? I've absolutely astounded and want to cry and scream and vomit. Gross. just gross. The fact that my beautiful; talented; compassionate; warm; kind; loving; humorous self has been surrounded by and subjected to such grossness for this long...blows my mind. 

The problem of addiction...addiction is the absence of connection...eating which had been a struggle for me; even an addiction; as well as a form of rebellion...and then i actually was quite motivated to fast...bc i found authentic and loving and safe connection in the form of my soulmate, Tom...which was impeded by the stupidity and ignorance and unfed needs of my schizophrenic neighbor...So thankful for the resources I have found to help me untangle from the issues of EIP's and return to my true self and health. Really shocked at all that has happened...the effects on my health...this has been quite alarming and I'm very concerned. I deserve so much better. People who are so ignorant, they can't even see past themselves or their own needs and take constructive criticism and desire to be better. The fact that I've been surrounded by so much poverty and stupidity and ignorance for this long...my poor self...my poor heart; mind and spirit and body...i'm not a machine...i'm a garden...i require tending and watering by like-minded souls. Time to move. 

And we see the effects of dysfunction within toxic systems and families and how it travels...scapegoating and black sheep psychology...my basic human freedoms and boundaries violated...then attempting to go about my day and having it interrupted in an inappropriate way by my neighbor---who's business it was not anyway...and then being shamed and judged for eating...which is no one's business anyway...and often a response to unhealthy situations and toxic people and factors. Just utterly amazed at all of the ignorance and stupidity. And the fact that I have been losing myself in it all...was beginning to lose myself. Wow. How my health has been impacted. This is scary. 

I think the topic of shame is always worth discussing...it's various meanings and forms...the way it is healthy in the sense of having a sense of shame- knowing our human limits...not acting as if we are superhuman- as if we are not subject to a Creator...yet then shame can also be the tool of tyrants to subjugate people; to gain power...can also be something corrosive, not from God...something that finds fault with the core of who someone is- which is not how God created us to be. 

I guess I understand it now...the power of toxic shame...being shamed by people who i do not know...who were overstepping bounds and acting inappropriately- the whole premise of the situation being absurd and based on the sin of perpetrators...it's time like those that you need to take a step back; look at everything and realize- you don't care what these people think. 

No means no

 https://www.bannerhealth.com/healthcareblog/teach-me/enmeshment-what-to-do-when-boundaries-are-blurry-in-a-relationship

Take back your life! You know what feels good for you...you know the difference between love and need...it's not your job to be someone's caregiver...esp. when they are not able to give what you can. If you're around unhealthy people and get triggered...esp. if you've experienced these things before...if they are in your family of origin and you've done a lot of work on yourself...don't let yourself get dragged down by someone who has not and can't operate on your level...Babysitting is not a romantic relationship...you are not responsible for anyone but yourself...if they can't accept rejection with grace or attacking you...if they can't respect a "no"...it's just further validation that they aren't right for you...no means no. parenting is not a romantic relationship. it's easy to forget who you are around emotionally immature and manipulative people...don't get sucked into their drama. It's not who you are. 

Adult angst

Just really tired of feeling misunderstood and judged and mistreated. 

I have needs too. Starving for genuine and meaningful human connection. 

Simplifying a situation with many layers of hurt, making me out to be the bad guy. Demonizing me for eating which became an unhealthy coping mechanism and calling me “6” with someone who was really controlling and inappropriate about my body. 

Also REALLY tired of people commenting on my appearance when I’ve been quite ill and self destructive. People are so ignorant and stupid. I only looked at myself bc I was all I had… surrounded by hate and evil and ignorance. 

Behavior is almost always an indicator of an unmet need. 

The Widow of Stockton st.

Why boundaries are important. Why self care is important. Why appropriate; safe; private living situations are important. Having lost myself in numbing and escaping from emotionally difficult situations…self- regulation… separating your emotions from those of others… really hard when you’re an empath and it’s someone who lives near you and you care about. But you have to be the adult… esp. around emotionally immature people with poor self-regulation skills.

The problem of pain….surrounded by it…recent events only serve to reinforce my belief in self care and boundaries….connected with a friend, from another time…felt that God was orchestrating events in the most natural and fateful way possible…something far beyond my own efforts and limitations…i felt safe and held and alive for maybe the first time (at least in this way)...i spoke his name and felt the way that love always seems in the most dignified sense when you read about it and see it on film…immediately, a cry of anguish echoed from the flat next door…i jolted in shock…to feel my privacy so intruded upon…that simply living my life was causing someone else pain…i woke up to be still in the morning, thinking about the person i love…i saw my neighbor pass by on the right, driving by, a woman seated next to him…caught unawares- i felt deeply the whole situation…you have to choose… you can’t split yourself between loves…the whole incident caused me to feel as if i had done something grievously wrong…who enjoys causing someone else pain? I should have kept my eyes on God and on Tom, but i just felt sad…i poured myself some wine and laid a feast…a temporary fix for the mix of emotions i suppose…what ensued was a series of self harming behaviors…which eating has become for me… to feel like i deserve to be happy and to be taken care of….i was so close to it- the magical weaving of soul and fate…but what happened made me feel as if i had done something wrong…my mental state worsened, followed by a more hostile environment…so saddened by it all…and clearly i just needed to hold my course- not take on the feelings of others…a deeply sick and emotionally pained environment…and clearly i needed to be the strong leader all along…there is so space for the strong leader to have a breakdown and need help and need empathy and support…the fact that I’ve had to deal with all of this in the place where I live and pay rent is beyond me…the whole premise of it all, absolutely absurd…my privacy and human freedoms so violated…i’ve never felt so disgusted in my entire life…my self sabotage did nothing to help the situation…it did not take away my neighbor’s pain…it only took me away from my own life and the people who need me. 

I think the whole thing is also so representative of the dangers of being an empath…we pick up the emotional and spiritual energy of other people and spaces and environments…and come to find out this man had self harming behaviors in his past…a troubled soul…the soul picks up on the beats of other souls…i literally took on his pain. 

Stepping outside of God’s will to deal with pain…it leads to ruin. 

Getting those feels of waitressing at Finnegan's Wake in downtown Winston after my first year at NCSU...the stripper sleeping with one of the owners who started acting catty when he showed interest in me...the fat Jewish cook who kept making come ons and wouldn't leave me alone...Opi, the unabashedly Irish owner shouting "she's not going to sleep with you!"...the lesbian bartender who eventually fired me for no apparent reason...Thomas Moore waiting tables nextdoor at 6th and Vine...

Equilibrio- An Introspective look

Balance. Equilibrio. Something that has defined my life- the lack of and constant search for balance.

 It seems to me that my constant struggle has been between excess or lack.

Thinking too much or not thinking at all. Being selfish or sacrificing too much. Exercising too hard or not enough. Eating too little or too much. Wanting too much or not demanding enough. Crossing the line or not standing up for myself. Having too much fun or not enough. A battle of extremes has defined much of my existence.

 But where is that proverbial line in the sand? And once found; how do we keep it?

 Some of us do yoga to achieve that om. Some of us read self-help books. Some of us go to Spain to teach English.

It’s not something you can learn in an afternoon, a week, a month or even a year. And funny how the same things that you struggled with in North Carolina resurface in SpainJ 

 In many ways, the Spanish culture has helped me greatly in regards to balance. The “little by little” mentality has allowed me to love myself where I am. With a little help from my friend Alex, I have begun to learn that one mistake doesn’t define me. That we have good days and bad days, and seasons or “temporadas” of life.

 For me, after arriving in Galicia, alone and scared, I focused on exercise, something that had always come naturally to me and that I could quantifiably control. But I crossed the line from doing something good for myself on a regular basis, to using exercise as a measure of my worth. “Oh, I need to do more than I did yesterday or I’m a sloth.” “My body might be tired, but I’ll be happy in the end once I’ve burned all those calories.” I actually thought that if I didn’t run as much as I did in college and stay in tip top shape, I was a failure. But as I see it now, the body is a pretty amazing thing, capable of taking you on runs through new places and discovering beautiful things for your eyes to see. An amazing tool. You take care of it, and it will bless you tenfold. As for me, I would rather exercise for enjoyment and health, and enjoy all the delicious food there is, than be a slave to something.

 Because the problem friends, is that once you allow obsession to take over one area of your life, you seem to lose your joy, and lack in other areas of your life. For me, when I do things with joy instead of force or obligation, the rest seems to fall into place.

 As Americans, and especially this American, we think too much. If there’s one thing the Spaniards have mastered, it is the art of living in the moment and being content where you are. Not once will you see a Spaniard lost in thought while in a group- they are constantly participating, constantly expressing, constantly living. And honestly, isn’t overthinking a selfish handicap? A way to put the attention on yourself when you’re afraid of living in the moment?

 The same goes with relationships. And let me tell you- you think relationships are difficult, but imagine them when you’re dealing with a different set of cultural values and a different language. The difference between the two sexes becomes an ocean of misunderstanding and unintentional hurt.

I am now dealing with the loss of my best friend here. We are in a state of false friendship, where we are “friends” but all of our interactions are false and forced. For from my enthnocentric perspective, the Spanish way of dealing with misunderstandings or hardships is to smile and act as if nothing has happened. Even as everything has changed. And for all of those who know me, I am incapable of hiding my true emotions. But what can you do? As I have learned, sometimes no measure of explaining can bridge the gap or change the mind of someone who has made their mind up. Words can be futile devices, especially when ethnocentrism plays a part.

 But sometimes you just have to accept the way things are and that as much as you yearn for things to be different; like they were before- it’s not in your control. So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and open yourself up for all the good things to come.

And perhaps treat yourself to a new bikini, some new rollerblades, or just Disney Princess bubbles. Obviously turning 24 doesn’t change a thing… Thank goodness.J   

Ick sprecka ze English?

Hallo!! No, I didn't just spell "hello" wrong- that's how the Germans say it:) Ya ya!

I just got back from an amazing 6-day trip to Germany with my friend Courtney, another Auxiliar de Conversacion living in a town close to mine. We didn't technically have time off, but we found an amazing deal on tickets to Frankfurt through Ryanair, so we decided to "aprovechar" or take advantage of the situation.:)

It took just stepping off the plane to notice that Germany is worlds apart from Spain in culture, food, people, philosophy, mentality... basically everything! In fact, I saw a lot more similarity with the U.S. in Germany.

1. Everything works! While in Spain, technology is a decade or so behind on most things and social ties are far more important than efficiency; Germany is one of the world leaders in this area. Metros are clean and on time, bus drivers don't stop the bus to chat with a friend or run personal errands (cough cough Spain:)... in short, it was lovely!

2. Germans are much more quiet and private than the Spanish. When I first arrived in Boiro, I was amazed at how people of all ages are perfectly content to yell to one another in the street, talk loudly on buses and in stores... what would be considered rude in the U.S. is perfectly acceptable and encouraged in Spain! In fact, people often tell me to speak louder haha. Germany was much more comparable to the U.S. in this aspect- people spoke quietly, were quiet on public transport and perhaps from my experience in Galicia, I felt like the loud one!

3. Food. I have to say, American might be the leader in obesity, but the Germans might be next with their diet and portions. I'm not complaining, it was amazing! In Spain, people eat fairly small portions and "picar" or snack throughout the day. An altogether healthy eating style. Also, in the culture of "disfrutar", enjoying, everyone sits down to eat as it is a pleasurable social event. I have never seen anyone eating on the go, except for perhaps an apple or a kid with a sweet. In most aspects, I have liked this... it has taught me to enjoy my food and be more mindful of how much I'm eating. But sometimes, you just want to eat a sandwich or a pastry on  a park bench! Courtney and I took advantage of this social norm in Germany. Grabbing a truffle and cappucino to go, eating a sandwich outside a cafe, it was wonderful!:)

Germany part 1, more to come soon:)

Un beso,
CMC