Balance. Equilibrio. Something that has defined my life- the lack of and constant search for balance.
It seems to me that my constant struggle has been between excess or lack.
Thinking too much or not thinking at all. Being selfish or sacrificing too much. Exercising too hard or not enough. Eating too little or too much. Wanting too much or not demanding enough. Crossing the line or not standing up for myself. Having too much fun or not enough. A battle of extremes has defined much of my existence.
But where is that proverbial line in the sand? And once found; how do we keep it?
Some of us do yoga to achieve that om. Some of us read self-help books. Some of us go to Spain to teach English.
It’s not something you can learn in an afternoon, a week, a month or even a year. And funny how the same things that you struggled with in North Carolina resurface in SpainJ
In many ways, the Spanish culture has helped me greatly in regards to balance. The “little by little” mentality has allowed me to love myself where I am. With a little help from my friend Alex, I have begun to learn that one mistake doesn’t define me. That we have good days and bad days, and seasons or “temporadas” of life.
For me, after arriving in Galicia, alone and scared, I focused on exercise, something that had always come naturally to me and that I could quantifiably control. But I crossed the line from doing something good for myself on a regular basis, to using exercise as a measure of my worth. “Oh, I need to do more than I did yesterday or I’m a sloth.” “My body might be tired, but I’ll be happy in the end once I’ve burned all those calories.” I actually thought that if I didn’t run as much as I did in college and stay in tip top shape, I was a failure. But as I see it now, the body is a pretty amazing thing, capable of taking you on runs through new places and discovering beautiful things for your eyes to see. An amazing tool. You take care of it, and it will bless you tenfold. As for me, I would rather exercise for enjoyment and health, and enjoy all the delicious food there is, than be a slave to something.
Because the problem friends, is that once you allow obsession to take over one area of your life, you seem to lose your joy, and lack in other areas of your life. For me, when I do things with joy instead of force or obligation, the rest seems to fall into place.
As Americans, and especially this American, we think too much. If there’s one thing the Spaniards have mastered, it is the art of living in the moment and being content where you are. Not once will you see a Spaniard lost in thought while in a group- they are constantly participating, constantly expressing, constantly living. And honestly, isn’t overthinking a selfish handicap? A way to put the attention on yourself when you’re afraid of living in the moment?
The same goes with relationships. And let me tell you- you think relationships are difficult, but imagine them when you’re dealing with a different set of cultural values and a different language. The difference between the two sexes becomes an ocean of misunderstanding and unintentional hurt.
I am now dealing with the loss of my best friend here. We are in a state of false friendship, where we are “friends” but all of our interactions are false and forced. For from my enthnocentric perspective, the Spanish way of dealing with misunderstandings or hardships is to smile and act as if nothing has happened. Even as everything has changed. And for all of those who know me, I am incapable of hiding my true emotions. But what can you do? As I have learned, sometimes no measure of explaining can bridge the gap or change the mind of someone who has made their mind up. Words can be futile devices, especially when ethnocentrism plays a part.
But sometimes you just have to accept the way things are and that as much as you yearn for things to be different; like they were before- it’s not in your control. So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and open yourself up for all the good things to come.
And perhaps treat yourself to a new bikini, some new rollerblades, or just Disney Princess bubbles. Obviously turning 24 doesn’t change a thing… Thank goodness.J
